


the little rush you get

by bozothemoose



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 11:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bozothemoose/pseuds/bozothemoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy is a bad influence in the best possible way.</p><p>Then he has to screw it up by becoming a better person.</p><p>[INTO DARKNESS SPOILERS]</p>
            </blockquote>





	the little rush you get

**Author's Note:**

> So I saw Into Darkness yesterday, and it struck me by how much Bones had gotten his shit together. Pair that with liberal inspiration from Blink-182's [After Midnight](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H86730HjLVA) (though this isn't a songfic) and this fic was born. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but there you go. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also, there shouldn't be any crazy typos, but if there are, it's because the trackpad on my Macbook has decided to go haywire and start clicking on whatever shit it feels like at the moment. Bear with me.

It doesn’t take a genius to know that he and Bones are destined to be a train wreck from the outset.

 

Jim is a genius and he knows exactly where they’re headed. They were already doing a spectacular job at fucking up their own lives before they met. He figures it’s only a matter of time before they start ruining things for each other.

 

He just can’t quite bring himself to stay away from the man.

 

**

 

Jim is magnetically drawn to damaged goods, and Bones is practically a living definition. He’s self-destructive, paranoid, temperamental, and a borderline alcoholic. He’s the type of person that would make Jim’s Starfleet-appointed therapist purse his lips and say something along the lines of _You need a better support network, James. Someone who will encourage positive behaviors._

Bones does not encourage positive behavior. Bones is right there to wash away Jim’s troubles with a flask of bourbon, and takes bets when Jim gets into bar fights. His solution to problems is to bury them beneath a mountain of paperwork and clinic hours, and he’s an unrepentant asshole to about ninety percent of the people he meets. He bitches about inconsequential crap like wearing sunscreen and eating vegetables until he runs out of breath, but he never once tells Jim he needs to get his life in order.

 

Jim wants to fuck him so badly he’s pretty sure his penis is about to commit mutiny.

 

So he’s grateful as all hell that Bones has refused to touch anyone, male, female, or tentacled since his divorce. They barely function as friends. Jim shudders to think what would happen if sex entered the equation. The ensuing explosion might blow San Francisco off the map.

 

**

 

Bones turns out to be the best friend Jim Kirk has ever had.

Because at the end of the day, Jim doesn’t give a shit about what his therapist has to say about _positive influences_. Jim has the entire Academy to model himself upon. He just happens to think most of them are full of shit.

 

Jim doesn’t want another authority figure telling him to pull his head out of his ass. He wants someone who will tell him his head is right where it should be.

 

Jim has told Bones things he would never reveal to the passive blue face he’s required to meet with once a week. He’s talked about Sam, about his mother. About a legacy he doesn’t have a chance in hell to live up to. About every source of pain in his short, miserable life, some of which he’s never had the courage to speak aloud.

 

And Bones – angry, drunk, cynical, fellow fuck-up Bones – never once says any of the stupid platitudes Jim’s been forced to endure over the years. He doesn’t try to give any advice. He doesn’t tell Jim he’s sorry.

 

He just hooks an arm around Jim’s shoulder and says, “Fuck ‘em, Jim. You don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself at the end of the day. So long as you’re satisfied, you don’t have to worry about anyone else.”

 

His therapist would be horrified. Jim just smiles and takes another pull from Bones’ well-worn flask.

 

**

 

Something changes in their last year at the Academy.

 

Jim demands that Bones get over his aviophobia. Jim is adamant that they will get assigned to the same ship, and because Bones has developed a staggering tolerance for Jim’s bullshit, he goes along with it.

 

And against all odds, it’s a success.

 

Then the Narada Incident happens and Jim’s too caught up in his own career to really notice what’s going on with Bones until it practically slaps him in the face.

 

Somewhere along the line, Bones stopped being a fuck-up.

 

Sure, he’s still a cantankerous bastard whose favorite pasttime is bullying people into Sickbay. But that’s no longer his only form of communication. He’s got friends, for god’s sake. _Plural._

But it’s more than that. He no longer has the mile-long bags under his eyes. He doesn’t pull 72-hour shifts for no reason at all anymore. He doesn’t blow up over the slightest disagreement, and he even manages to have a couple of civil conversations with his ex-wife.

 

On shore leave, when Jim tries to buy him a drink, Bones waves it off with a charming grin and tells him he’s trying to cut back. When he disappears with a stunning redhead from the bar shortly thereafter, it becomes apparent that his issues with physical intimacy are seemingly resolved as well.

 

Leonard McCoy is no longer damaged goods. And for some reason, Jim wants him more than ever. The thought terrifies him.

 

Jim has lived his whole life on the edge of a crumbling cliff. He can’t think of a single reason why this new, well-adjusted Leonard McCoy would want to keep him company there anymore.

 

**

 

Jim finally gets up the nerve to ask Bones about it the night before they’re beamed to the surface of Nibiru. He takes a long time to answer.

 

“Remember how I said you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself? After the Narada I did exactly that. I looked in the mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw, Jim. How conquering my fear of flying was the only accomplishment I felt I’d made in a long time, how my life was slowly dwindling away, how close we’d all come to losing everything, and I was still the sorry bastard that had stumbled into San Francisco three years before. I knew that if I didn’t stop living like that, I was going to die like that, and frankly, that just didn’t appeal to me.” He shrugs and takes a sip of water. “So I started making changes. Zeroed in on the sources of my misery and tried to cut them out. I’d like to think I’m better for it. Still the same man, just… more capable of living up to my potential, I guess.”

 

Jim scoffs into his own glass of whiskey. “So are you going to try to fix me now that you’re a model citizen again? Start shoving self-help books off on me?”

 

Bones pins him under a piercing gaze. “You still don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself, Jim. That hasn’t changed. And you’re still my best friend. That hasn’t changed either. So it doesn’t matter whether you decide you’re fine exactly the way you are, or if you decide to quit Starfleet to craft handmade jewelry in New Mexico, because I’ll take you however I can get you, just so long as you stop trying to dodge your physicals.”

 

Jim smirks over the rim of his glass. “Never gonna happen, Bones.”

 

Bones heaves a long-suffering sigh as he returns to his report. “It was worth a shot.”

 

**

 

Jim copes the same way he always has. He invites the two most gorgeous girls at the bar back to his room and tries not to think of hazel eyes and the steadiest hands on the _Enterprise._

 

But suddenly, it’s not enough. Now the cries from Pike, Spock, and everyone else telling him to grow the fuck up are starting to get to him. Bones isn’t there alongside him giving the finger to any naysayers and for the first time in his life, Jim wonders if maybe they all have a point.

 

**

 

In the end, it’s Khan that pushes him over the edge.

 

Dying might also have something to do with it.

 

He thought that becoming captain would erase any sense of dissatisfaction in his life. Instead, it had made him worse than before. Cockier, brasher, more stubborn. All in the worst ways. All in ways that would ultimately destroy him if left unchecked.

 

Everything runs together in his mind as he succumbs to the radiation. Khan, Spock, Pike. Bones. Beautiful, brilliant Bones, who had the strength to do what Jim could not.

 

He thinks that maybe he has the potential to be a great man, but _this,_ who he is in this moment, isn’t it.

 

Jim doesn’t like the person he’s become. It’s the first time he’s ever admitted that to himself.

 

Bones was wrong about one thing, though. Jim does have to answer to other people. People who get caught up in the path of his own hurricane of self-destruction.  People who have to sit and watch him take for granted everything that’s been handed to him. People who have to sit and watch him die because of his own poor decisions. They’re the ones who he owes something to. He’s just never cared until now.

 

He never said he had great timing. As his vision goes dark, he wishes he could have seen Bones one last time.

 

**

 

He wakes up to Bones’ face, and it’s the best thing he’s ever seen.

 

After Spock leaves and Bones continues to buzz around Jim’s bedside, Jim finally gets the chance to say the words weighing on his mind since he dove into the warp core.

 

“I want to get better.”

 

“Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you Jim, but that means you have to actually let me treat you. No sneaking off the second your legs can actually support your weight again.”

 

“Bones,” he says seriously. “You know what I mean.” He fiddles with the edge of his blanket. “I, uh… I might need your help. I’m not sure I can do this alone.”

 

Bones studies him for a long moment before sitting on the edge of the biobed. “Well Jim, like I told you before. I’m here for you. No matter what.”

 

Jim clears his throat. “I’m not really sure how to go about this. I could use someone who’s gone through this himself.”

 

Bones pats his knee through the thin sheet. “We’ll take it one day at a time.”

 

**

 

Over the past six months, there have been highs and lows in Jim Kirk’s Path to Self-Discovery.

 

This is definitely a low.

 

“Maybe I’m just not fixable, Bones,” he slurs into his friend’s neck. There’s blood in his mouth and he’s not sure how it got there. “Maybe I’m just destined to destroy everything I touch.”

 

Bones gives up on trying to wrestle Jim up the stairs and props him up against the railing so he can start scanning him with his tricorder. When he’s finally satisfied with what he sees, he tosses the device aside and grips Jim’s head between his hands.

 

“Jim, listen to me,” he says firmly. “You had one bad night. One. It’s not the end of the world.”

 

“I can’t keep doing this shit, Bones. I’m a captain. Maybe I shouldn’t be.”

 

Bones heaves himself up so they’re sitting on the same step. “Now that’s just crazy talk.”

 

“Seriously though.” Jim leans his cheek against the cool concrete wall of the stairwell. “I’m trying not to be… cocky and stubborn and all that shit, but it seems like the more I try to shove it away the harder it comes back to bite me in the ass.”

 

“Jim, I’m only going to say this once, so you listen good.” Bones hooks his arm around Jim’s and tugs him over so he’s sort of upright. “You are always going to be cocky and stubborn. Becoming a better person doesn’t mean fundamentally changing who you are. Hell, those two traits are part of what makes you a great captain. But they’re not the only parts. Because you’re also loyal, and strong, and the fucking smartest person I know on a crew of terrifying geniuses.” He leans backward, pulling Jim down with him. “You don’t have to become a different person, Jim. You just have to learn to tone down those louder aspects of your personality so that the other parts get a chance to shine through.”

 

Jim has a hard time speaking around the lump in his throat. “Jeez, Bones,” he finally chokes out. “You might want to ease up a little. People might start thinking you like me a little or something.”

 

Bones snorts. “I could just leave your sorry ass here.”

 

He doesn’t make even the slightest movement to indicate he actually intends to follow through on his threat, but Jim tightens his arm around Bones’ all the same. “Please don’t,” he whispers.

 

Bones’ voice is soft, but the echoes of the stairwell make it easier to hear. “Never.”

 

 

**

 

A week into their five-year mission, Jim takes one look at Bones in the dim light of his quarters, the shadows of his lashes on his cheekbones, the look of quiet contentment on his face, and he can’t hold it in anymore. He leans in and presses their lips together before he even processes what he’s doing.

 

Bones responds in kind, and they don’t resurface for quite a while.

 

When they finally come up for air, Jim rests his forehead against Bones’ and smiles. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Bones rumbles. “Why now, then?”

 

Jim can’t quite put it into words, so he kisses Bones again instead.

 

(Later, when the lights are all the way off and Bones is a warm, steady presence next to him, he’ll find the words.

 

How for the first time in his life, he’s actually pretty happy with who he is.

 

How he couldn’t have done it without Bones there to keep him from spiraling.

 

How he thinks that he’s always been a little in love with Bones, but that he was so afraid one of them would destroy the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

How that doesn’t seem like an inevitability anymore.

 

Bones will press a kiss to his neck and say “Let’s do this, then.”

 

And Jim will wonder if, just maybe, they were never destined to be a train wreck at all.)


End file.
